captnshamrock's posterous

What do you do to stay positive when it seems like your week is going to hell in a handbasket?

This first week of school has been difficult for me.  I'm ready to be done.  It's mostly because of needing to run around and get art supplies for classes that are two days away when the day in between is totally booked to the point where you barely get to the store before it closes.  On top of this, my body, namely my uterus, has decided to rebel against me and attack me from the inside out.  I almost passed out during my first watercolor class.  Embarrassing.

I continually remind myself of the image of what I want after school.  A studio apartment near the beach, working at a yarn/fiber store and making stuff to sell on the side on Etsy and at Art Shows, a bike to take me to nearby places and my car to take me farther unless I need to haul something somewhere.  Call me a hippie, but that's all I want.  Especially right now when stuff seems to be falling down.

I shouldn't complain and I shouldn't worry.  Stuff will fall into place if it's meant to be.  But that's a hard concept for someone as impatient as I am.  

I would like the time to sit down somewhere with a book and a cup of coffee and just read.  I would like the time to work on projects outside of school.  Three studio classes is going to be difficult, but I need to do it for the sake of getting through on time.  I need to talk to my fibers teacher about the portfolio.  

For now, this is me, imagining the beach and the ocean and my little studio apartment.

Saturdays

Saturdays are one of those off days for me.  It's a day where you're waiting around to do something.  Personally, I go to Mass on Saturday night.  Once I hit that hump after Mass, then I feel like I'm free.  Not to say I don't enjoy going, but I just feel like it's the exact middle of my weekend.

Sometimes we go hiking with family and breakfast after.  We didn't this weekend because it was supposed to be very hot this morning (oh, Arizona) and my Dad's ankle and back had been bothering him this week.  Not to mention my knee.  I don't know what is going on with it. *shrug* 

Last weekend, I discovered that there is an indoor farmer's market down the street.  I thought about going today, but Mom was busy working in the garage, and I wanted to sleep.  Also, Dad sort of yelled at me at 6:30 when I was letting the dog out and feeding her.  It made me feel sick.  I don't appreciate yelled at at all.

On that matter, I cannot wait to get back to school.  Job hunting has been a failure (if they don't want to hire me, I'd rather they call or email like they're supposed to rather than just forget about me), taking community college classes was also a failure.  I want to move out.  It's hard being at home.  I feel very restricted.  Granted, I have no money.  No job.  I hate money.  It's so stupid and ridiculous.  I'm tired of bumming off my parents.  It's just I can't find anything suited for me.  I'm working on some crafting things, but...I dunno, with all the work I've put into this felted dragon, it's looking like it'll be over $113 (I'm almost finished, which is why I say "over").  I'm just tired of having no motivation in my life.  And again, people yelling at me doesn't help me at all.  

Anyway...just a small rant and I needed to voice it.

(No so) Important Points (Complaints)

Plans fell through, I didn't have to talk to my parents after all. 

I have a headache that has been going on for the past 2 hours.  This never happens. 

I still have to go to lab, and I'm not looking forward to it. 

My felted jackalope is going to be successful.  I hope to post pictures.

You know that feeling in your gut...

...when you have to do or ask something and you're afraid of being rejected?  Ugh, it hurts like it's eating me from the inside out.  I need to ask my parents something, but I know their opinion on it.  However, I don't feel like we communicate enough...and this is something that makes me happy, and I would like to share my happiness.  I talked to my aunt about it last night and she helped me build up my courage a little.  I'm going to go home this afternoon and try to talk to my parents about it.  Please send prayers and good thoughts. 

Singles Awareness Day

Let me just explain to you how much I do not want to take tests today.  Namely, tests which are anything but multiple choice.  I'm just whining and complaining right now, but I honestly do not want to take these tests.  Geology is drawing, Western Civ is essay.  You know, at least with a multiple choice test I would have a chance at getting something correct.

Year two of being single on Valentine's day.  But who cares, it's just another random corperate holiday where loved ones are extra nice to one another as opposed to any other day, where people buy extra chocolate and flowers...and Meggie forgot to take her happy meds this morning.

Crying would be welcome right now.  I just need to get some extra emotion out.  However, I'm busy until 3 today.  Crying will have to wait.

Reports from the First Week of School

So, I never actually posted about my second class on the first day of school...nor the first, second, or third on the second day.  I just know I'm in for a lot of work.

Today is one of those days where you want to be someplace else.  A day where you're inspired, but not feeling motivated.  I'm sure you know what I'm speaking of. 

I went over to Tempe Marketplace for a couple of reasons.  One was to stop at Target, the other was to stop at Ulta.  I found most of what I was looking for at Target.  But, I've been looking for a bag for some time.  A purse type bag that I could have going across my chest, not too big, but not too small...and I've been having no luck.  It's slightly disappointing, but oh well.  At Ulta, I didn't find anything I was looking for, and then I stopped in Ross because I thought they might have a bag.  Nope.  So I came home just with the things I found at Target.  Maybe I'll look online tonight for a bag.

I have a lot of reading to do for classes.  I did a whole bunch yesterday, but I'm not sure any of it stuck which is frustrating.  Hopefully listening to a lecture on it and taking notes will solidify it in my brain.  I should go do that reading...

California Dreamin'.

One down, one to go...

For today at least. Drawing shall be interesting. The teacher is a grad student and very lively. She had us play a sort of pictionary with newsprint on the wall. We had to write our name on the newsprint, introduce ourselves, where we're from and what major we are. Then we begin drawing our favorite animal. Two other people had already done a wolf (my first choice) and a frog (my second choice), so I drew a dragonfly. After that, she let us out. Now I'm just killing time before Fibers.

Classes Beginning Tomorrow

I start school again tomorrow.  I can't quite decide how I feel about it.  On one hand, I'm happy to be actually doing something besides sitting around wondering what to do.  On the other, I've quite enjoyed not having much to do.  However, it's usually better for me to be busy. 

Today, I went to lunch with a friend and then we walked around campus looking for classrooms.  Pretty much everywhere was locked.  We did find a guy who had a key to the science building, so we got to go in there.  It was terribly creepy.  We doubled back at one point and found a walkway we totally didn't see before (or did it appear?).  I walked by an elevator and it opened.  Another elevator was missing a 2nd floor to go to (the buttons appeared as 1, 3, and 4).  In the classroom I'll have Geology lab in, the light switch made a funny noise, but the lights didn't come on (I didn't like the noise).  Finally, we couldn't get out of the building!  We then looked to our right and found a door which was propped open, thank goodness.  So yes, adventures in creepy science buildings.

This evening, nothing much is happening.  I suppose I could tidy up my room a bit.  Or get things ready for tomorrow...that would be smart.

Reflect.

"Reflect.  I've learned to do that a lot as of late.  Know where you were, and look where you're going.  It's easy to write about bad things, because we take the good for granted more often than not.  So like, in your blog, write about something that's wholly good.  Or find something that's wholly good, and do it."

Wise words from a friend.

So, here's to writing something wholly good, even though I'm not in a "wholly good" mood.  See, I usually take my blog as an outlet to scream out my rants and worries, trying to get them off my chest and somewhere else. 

Since Monday, I have had many good experiences, and some things sort of turned around.  However, I have also been feeling the pressures of growing up and needing experience.  I have been urged to get out of my room more, make a resume, find an internship. 

Yesterday I came back to my school apartment and became very tired after putting away things in my room.  I worked on my resume with my sister, but will probably have to speak to an adviser or something.  I could speak of my frustrations about resumes, but I will refrain.

This morning, I decided I wanted to go get breakfast out.  I rode my bike to the MU, got a bagel with cream cheese, and sat outside.  There was hardly anyone there, and all I had with me was my phone and keys.  I texted some friends while eating.  As I was nearing my last bite, I looked to my left, and the Burger King had emerged from the MU a short distance from me.  I decided that I could eat the rest of my bagel on the way back to my bike.  It made me laugh.

I don't know what else I'll be doing today.  I need to read the posts from the RPG and post myself.  I will most likely do that after posting this.  Perhaps I will read today.  I have a picture I could hang on the wall.  We shall see.

Do you have a boyfriend?

I'm starting to tire of this question.  There's always that awkward moment when adults (not that I'm not an adult, but you know what I mean) at social gatherings ask this question.  The answer is, "No, I do not have a boyfriend, however, I have many admirers and friends who are boys."

Honestly, the reason why I do not have a boyfriend is that...maybe I'm picky?  Or maybe I'm just still stuck.  Maybe I don't want to be tied down to anyone but he who I am stuck on?  I want to belong to someone, but at the same time, no, I don't.  It's quite a dilemma.  Especially when you have three or four guys who would love to be in his shoes.  And then you feel bad and awkward...as if you were unintentionally leading them on.  Do you not go on dates, then?  Or should you still go for your own benefit to get out and be social with someone...

I've been told that I drive some guys crazy.  However, it's not intentional at all, and I don't do it on purpose.  Hell, I don't even know I'm doing it!  I'm just being me.  It's a good thing I suppose.  It's nice to be loved for just being you.  That's all I can be.  Me.  I'm not someone else.

I was asked on FormSpring if I was in love.  I answered that I believe I am.  (You might have seen it.)  How do I know?  I don't...I just feel it.  Even though I'm not there, I feel it.  I don't feel it with anyone else. 

Some of my best friends are guys.  Most girls say this because there isn't drama like there is when you're friends with girls.  However, I believe there is that underlying drama.  That drama of when they start to fall for you and you don't know what to do. 

Something else...why is it when I start falling for someone they always leave?

I need this question answered...read on:

"Yeah, but you know what?"
"Hm?"
"They ditched me."
"Well, shit."
"They think you're cute and awesome one day, and the next, you're old news."
"What does that mean for the person that's been there since day one?"
"You tell me."

What DOES it mean for the person that's been there since day one?